When to Walk AWay from A Toxic Marriage

One category of men that I always pray for are those who are in marriages that are irretrievably broken but lack the courage to walk away. They are clinging to the hope that the wifey may turn around, the hope that staying there for the kids is worth it, or they are waiting to gather financial resources before they can move out.

The world increasingly has men stuck in bad marriages who can’t move out because they don’t have the resources, or the wife is a breadwinner. The tables really turned so fast on men my generation.

I am talking about good and decent men who just picked the wrong woman and down the line, the chickens have come back to roost. Wifey has since found the love of her life, or her economic fortunes have improved steadfastly to the point she no longer needs the man, if she picked the man purely for provision. The man along the way lost his frame as he worked his ass off to feed the family, probably got overwhelmed by the black tax, and simply assumed that if he paid the bills and school fees, his work was done. He is now flabbergasted that all his efforts count for naught, the wife is extremely rebellious and now he is helpless.

Many men choose to suffer alone. Some try to open up to friends and family, but soon they discover, this is their cross to carry. And tough choices have to be made. As I have said in several memos, divorce itself is not a bad thing. One just needs to keep it less messy, keep it classy, and if there are children involved, ensure the least damage is done on the children. But in marriage or where love is involved, logic is a hard sell.

Most men try to fix the marriage but end up offending their wives even more. It is hard convincing men that once your woman has decided to call it quits, all your efforts to win her back amount to nothing. Zero. You offend her more when you try to win her back. It is counterintuitive and that is why most men can't understand the basic principle.

Most men because of romantic idealism, don’t know how to process this painful fact of life. And there is no woman who will show you worse belittlement than one who knows she is simply done with you and probably has what she thinks is a better offer out there.

The amount of indignity such women put men through and the male capacity to endure the shame and pain, hoping for a different outcome surprise me at an academic level. I would like to know why men do these to themselves. When a man approaches me for advice, and we go through the divorce steps' checklist and we tick more than six of the ten steps, I tell them to walk away. Most don’t. Because, three months later, we come back to the same debate, and I don’t like talking about the same thing over and over again.

Credit to women because when it doesn’t make sense to them anymore and they have means, they walk away and leave the man to figure it out himself.

My voice has grown hoarse trying to remind men to be self-aware. Often I am frustrated by how deep we bury our heads in our asses when every other clue is out there. It is not even a hindsight thing.

The steps women follow before they dump you are predictable and statistically verifiable . Women themselves have explained this to me. Gather 100 divorced men and 80 of them will tell you it was the same pattern, no exception. I say again, it is not the divorce that breaks men. It is the lingering around hoping that things will change that damages men.

Rather than take the L, and mitigate the effects of divorce on children, most men try to renegotiate, wasting so much time in therapy, marital counseling, drinking, and depression, only for things to deteriorate further. By the time the man picks up his clothes puts them in a paper bag, and walks away, he is so damaged, so done with the marriage, the wife, and the kids, he will never want to look back. He ends up neglecting the kids and cutting off his wife in the hope that he will heal his wounds.

Divorce wounds heal the hardest and the longest. So, I will keep reminding men that if by God you have done right, and even if you fell short, it wasn’t intentional, and she doesn’t want to stay in marriage, let her go. Walk away while your dignity is still intact. Don’t exchange insults, women can say something that can damage your body, heart, and soul, and worst sometimes, they don’t even mean it, but it will damage you irreparably.

When it comes to recreational insults, I fear the tongue of a woman. Probably the reason I will die single. Don’t dwell too much on how much you have spent on the marriage. Don’t dwell too much on the children, they will be fine, if you are fine and in touch with them, and you doing your part.

Last but not least, sometimes women wreck their marriages because they think better awaits them. Out there, it licks them, and sometimes they want to come back to you, that "we can talk”. Out of romantic aspirations or Christian teachings, some men forgive such errant wives and decide to take them back. It never works.

Most women hate and treat with utmost contempt men who forgive them. She will never love or respect you. The best you can do when she leaves is to forgive her and wish her well. Taking her back sets, you back a million times. If she chooses a chaotic life, don’t be part of the chaos.

Just work hard to ensure that children are not part of the chaos. Be the bigger man. Don’t stay in a marriage where your partner is with you because of sympathy or empathy. Don’t stay in a marriage where there is no love, respect, and cooperation. Don’t stay in a marriage where your efforts are belittled every day. Don’t stay in a marriage where she dares compare you to other men. Don’t stay in a marriage where her material needs outstrip your ambition and abilities.

Don’t stay in a marriage to save her or defend her against her bad choices. It is easier to recover from a divorce you accepted quickly and dealt with it than one where you tried to fix an untenable situation. If your instincts tell you it is not worth it, it is never worth it.