The Family You Create

When you are young, family is the people assigned to you. A choice that you have absolutely no contribution to. You do not get to choose your parents, your siblings, your cousins, or the people who show up at your childhood birthday parties whether you like them or not. You inherit these relationships before you are old enough to understand what relationships even are.

Then one day you become an adult of legal age. Which is about the same time you start realizing that being related to someone and being close to them are two completely different things.

This is one of those uncomfortable truths nobody discusses at the dinner table. As we grow older, we begin creating our own families. Sometimes that means marriage and children, other times it means friendships that have survived so much that calling them “friends” almost feels disrespectful. Or the coworker who became the person you call when life falls apart. Sometimes it is the neighbor who checks on you or the friend who knows exactly when you are pretending to be okay.

Adulting has a funny way of showing us who actually belongs in our lives. You can share DNA with someone and still feel like strangers. You can have no biological connection to someone and feel more understood by them than people who have known you your entire life.

We need to stop feeling guilty about choosing our own people. Because it does not necessarily mean rejecting your family. It simply means acknowledging reality, that some relationships are healthy while others are complicated. Some are beautiful, others are exhausting. All relationships need boundaries, some of them need distance, lots of distance. As a reminder, some people need to be loved from very far away.

Growing up has taught me that family is not only about who were there when you were born. It is also about who remains when life becomes difficult. It is about those we meet along the way. The connections we create, the friendships, the acquaintances, colleagues and in this era of technology those people we sustain our interactions with virtually.

Who answers the phone when you are crying? Who celebrates your small wins? Who tells you the truth even when the truth is uncomfortable? Who can sit with you in silence without making you feel like you need to perform? Who sends you reels, memes and keeps you updated on the latest joke on the street. Those people become family.

Maybe adulthood is partly the process of moving from the family you were given to the family you chose to build. The family mostly looks completely different from what you knew as a child. It might be smaller, messier and more open to the things that actually make you happy.

The best thing about the family you chose is, it can cross cultures, cities, generations, and backgrounds. It can include people from different walks of life and if you are lucky like me, your chosen family will include people who make you feel safe enough to be completely yourself.

Honestly, I think that is one of the greatest gifts of growing up. I finally got a say in who gets a seat at my table and I can say without any doubt that this table is an amazing table. Thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey. I see you, I love you and I am eternally grateful for you.

You are My Person, My chosen Family, My Safe space.