Personal Assistant

Every conversation in this post happens in Kikuyu, but I don’t want to use half the words on this post translating. So I wrote it in English instead. Or Kiswahili. However, there are some things that sound best in Kikuyu. So I wrote them as they were said. And because I am nice and considerate, I translated too. You’re welcome.

“Please get the cat some meat”

I was taken aback. I would have never expected these words from my mother. She was addressing her husband (also my beloved father)

“Get the cat meat?” I asked. I could not believe she was actually asking for meat for the cat’s consumption. She firmly believes cats should eat rats and mice. That’s the only reason she keeps cats. Rodent control. Sure she’ll feed it but once in a while she’ll throw words around like “Hii paka inakula kama mtu badala ya ishike panya“. Even when there is a scarcity of said panyas. You can’t catch a panya every day. Panyas don’t hang around waiting to be turned into a snack.

“Yes. It’s not eating anything else”

Our cat has been unwell. We suspect it was given quite a beating by one of the many strays that keep frequenting our home. We think so because we heard the war cries and screams of cats fighting at night. Okay, we’ve heard them a couple of times but there have never been obvious scars of war like this time. I think we can all tell who lost. Or hopefully, it’s a case of “you should see the other guy”. All she’s doing is sleeping. She’s also become very paranoid and skittish. Any small sound and she’s already alert and ready to bolt. Which is strange because she is a very playful kitten. Or cat. Apparently they start being referred to as adult cats after about 12 months. I don’t think she was quite there yet. We got her on 29th March 2025. I know because I am those people that record everything. So I have a video of three kittens in a cage that normally would house a chicken.

Two from the same litter (same colour too) and a ginger who was slightly bigger, that we got from our neighbour. We ended up giving up the other two up. The only thing worse than one cat who has a grown man’s appetite, is three of them. They both died though. One was mauled to death by dogs, the other ate a poisoned panya. The one that stayed with us, we (read I ) named her P.A. My brother came over some time ago and asked if the cat has a name.

“Yes” I answered

“No” My mother answered, at the same time.

“Ai. Since when? It doesn’t have a name” My mum

“Yes it does. Ni nyinyi hamjui“

“Inaitwa?”

“P.A”

“P.A ni personal assistant wa nani? “

I chuckled.

“P.A as in public address”.That cat is really, really loud. When it meows it sounds like it’s using a public address system. So the name stuck, for me. Everyone else stuck to pspspsps but it still works.

The meowing becomes significantly louder if you are eating. The same thing will be on her plate, but she will be by your feet, rubbing herself against your legs, begging you to look upon her with eyes of mercy and a bit of food. Her stomach could be so full, it’s almost bursting at the seams (if she had them) but she will still be begging. If you continue to ignore her, she will stretch and place a paw on your thigh. Except if you are my mother. That’s where she draws the line. I won’t say much else but if you touch the broom in our home, the cats will scatter. Universally. Any cat we’ve ever had has kifagio fearing software installed at a very early age.

Kanonz was like that, too. Who is Kanonz? The cat we had before P.A. Beautiful grey cat, gorgeous bushy tail. I’m sure if she had grown to maturity, you could confuse that tail for...