My husband kept a secret for 10 years.

So my husband and I began dating in 2011 I have to say there were so many red flags from the beginning but I can say that I was 19 and dumb I ignored it all. By 2014 him and I were about to move onto our first place together. One night I could not get a hold of him and I just knew he was cheating in my gut I could feel it. He was not answering me completely ghosted me for the night. Then I finally get ahold of him the next day and he swears up and down he “ slept in his car outside his dad’s house”. I let it go because at that time I just wanted to be loved by somebody so bad I craved it. One of my biggest regrets. Fast forward a month we are officially in our own place and I come home and smell something I was not familiar with and I instantly got a gut feeling I knew he was cheating on me I was blowing his phone up he was not answering he turned it off so I said screw it I’ll call his job turns out he was not there. So then finally I get ahold of him after his “shift” I lost it. He made me out to be absolutely insane swore up and down he didn’t do anything. I chose to believe he because I truly believe that he loved me I thought we were locked in. Yes we were in our early 20s but I just knew he was my person. I also had a shitty life growing up so I just really wanted to feel safe and loved so I put up with a lot of mistreatment on his end. He was horrible to me when he was cheating on me. I use to take a lot of shit I should have never taken. Fast forward a few years we get pregnant with our first child then few years later we had our second. I will say, after all the years had passed those two nights always stuck in my mind and they never left and throughout the years I would bring it up to him and he would still deny that he ever cheated. I would tell people we beat the odds. We’re not like other couples we would never cheat on each other. Well, one day the filling wouldn’t leave me alone and I finally looked at him and I said if you have any love or respect for me, you’ll tell me if you cheated on me back then. You may be wondering, why do you even wanna know it’s because it’s something that’s never even left my mind. It’s always been there a lingering in my brain. He finally confessed it was twice. It all clicked to me when I was at his job one time, and the girl he was cheating on me with went up to him and grabbed his belt. All these memories started flooding back into my head and it was all making sense. The pain I felt the moment I actually found out sometimes I wish I never did find out because it ruined everything for me in my heart and how I feel loved and how I look at him and how I view our marriage. We got married in 2018 and I feel like we got married on a foundation of lies because he was never honest. So I’ve spent a couple years smiling over it. I have stalked the girl. I found her about a month after I found out, I wrote her a message. I didn’t care how long it was. I needed to ask her side. She was kind empathetic sorry. All the things but yet I felt so much anger towards her. She admitted that she knew we were together and she was in a dark place when she did it. Yeah I still feel so mad. Because it’s like as a woman, how could you even do that? I don’t care if we were young. He was never going to tell me even though he said he was at some point. I felt like such a fool I regretted having our kids our marriage it was so bad. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything in this world but I was so angry. So anyways like I said I spiraled and I reactivated his old Facebook to see if there was more cheating there was nothing physical that I know of but he was actively hitting up women in 2013. I asked him when did you take our relationship serious he said from the very beginning I just can’t with the lies I wish he would be honest. I feel like in order to move forward I need to know everything unfortunately I am one of those people it’s how my brain works. Then my most recent issue is the women on the Facebook reels it literally kills me on the inside that he watches them everyday I can’t just after I found out about everything it changed out marriage. It changed me as a person. I’m not looking to get attacked I just needed a place to vent.