My 2026 Birthday.

My birthday. Kisumu. We'd planned this whole baecation thing and I was feeling myself. Booked an Airbnb at the outskirts of the city, rented a private tuk-tuk to take us from the lake back to our place, the works.

First red flag: I was in charge of planning.

We get to this Airbnb on the edge of Kisumu—nice spot, chill vibes, but removed from the city noise. Check in, drop our bags, and I'm already planning the day like I'm a tour guide.

"Okay so we do breakfast, then we head to the lake at like 11, have lunch there, then tuk-tuk back to the house for sunset, then—"

"Can we just... exist for a minute?" she says.

"I am existing. I'm existing with a plan."

She rolls her eyes.

We head to the lake beach. Rent a boat. Beautiful morning, sun's perfect, I'm in a good mood. We're just cruising, taking photos, living the dream.

Then the boat starts swaying. Hard. Like we're in a washing machine.

"Yo, boss!" I call to the boat owner. "Is the boat supposed to be doing this? Like, are we safe or...?"

He just laughs. "It's normal, my friend."

"Yeah but my girlfriend is here and I'm supposed to be impressing her, not getting us killed."

She's holding onto the side looking terrified.

"Babe, you said you were fine with boats," I say.

"I said I was fine with calm boats. This is not a calm boat."

"The owner said it's normal!"

"The owner probably says that to everyone before they drown."

Despite the near-death experience, we made it back to the beach alive. Got lunch at some spot right there by the water.

This is where it went wrong.

I ordered fresh ugali...