Alleged Mother-in-law

I couldn't sleep that night.Not because I was in love.Not because I was heartbroken.But because I had just paid GHC500 for what was supposed to be a free trial version of a relationship.

I sat on my bed staring at the empty space where the money had disappeared. My wallet looked like someone had performed surgery on it without anesthesia.My friends didn't make things any better."So?" one of them asked.

"How did it go?""It was interrupted by customer care," I replied."What customer care?""Her mother."They laughed so hard one of them nearly fell off his chair.From that day on, peace packed its bags and relocated.

Every morning, I would peep through my curtains before opening the door. I wasn't checking for thieves anymore. I was checking for one middle-aged woman with supernatural timing.If I saw her wrapper from a distance, I'd pretend I wasn't home.She'd knock.I wouldn't answer.She'd knock louder.Still, I remained silent.

Then she'd shout,"I know you're inside! Your slippers are outside!"At that point I realized criminals had an easier life than I did.One afternoon, I made the mistake of stepping out to buy bread.Before I even reached the junction, I heard someone shouting."My son!"I froze.Only one person called me "my son."I slowly turned around.

There she was.Smiling.The same smile a tax collector wears when they know you've just received your salary."My son, how are you?""I'm...fine.""I've not seen you for days.""I've been busy.""I know.

Busy people still eat. Buy me bread too."Just like that, my bread budget doubled.Another time she met me at the barber shop."You've come to shave?""Yes.""You people like looking fresh. Give me something for transport."I gave her...