Adulting highway

For a minute there, I couldn't be my regular self. Somewhere between being an adult and keeping up with responsibilities, I hit a bump. No, I am not depressed. I also haven't given up. But I didn't want to deal with anything. As a matter of fact, I did not want to think, plan, or strategize: nothing. I know the appropriate thing at this point is to remind yourself to keep hope alive. But at that point, I did not want to do that either. I just wanted to sit and be free, which, if you ask me, makes no sense.

There should be a timeout in this whole "being an adult" thing. Just 24 hours where you are not responsible for anyone or anything. I asked myself what I would do if I got that time off, and I still don’t know what I would do. Not because there is nothing to do, but because even the idea of resting involves having things to figure out. Where to go, how to get there, planning in advance so work, children, family and friends don’t need you while you rest. You also have to put a budget on the going, plan for how to make up for lost time while you are away. In the end it is just narrows down to carry children or not go. More often than not, staying is the cheaper, less stressful choice. That's how far gone the slump had me: I couldn't even enjoy the imaginary freedom I said I wanted.

There is a place in life called functioning routine, where everything is almost predictable. And when it is not, you make plans so that somehow it is. The need to know what is happening when, where and how long it will take approximately in order not to be ready. For what you may ask, the next thing, which mostly is more work or plans. I am at that point, I prefer to be in the know and one could argue that I have control issues which I cannot disagree because believe me, I do not know how I got here or when I did. Maybe needing everything to add up is a coping mechanism, or a preventive measure.

I am not sure know if I am entirely over the feeling I had, what I do know is that at my scariest, most unpredictable hour, I was not alone and that's a gift I do not take for granted. To be understood even when you don't understand yourself. To be supported without being judged or reminded that by feeling overwhelmed you are ungrateful for all the good things. As if good and bad cannot happen at the same time. To my village: thank you for being there, for the good times, the bad times and everything in between.

I have learnt a few lessons. One: rest is a myth. Two: Your quality of life depends on the kind of people in your life. Three: There are times life has meaning and other times it doesn’t. Four: Two things can be true at the same time.

I truly believe it's okay not to be okay: because sometimes being okay takes too much work and effort. Some days, holding it together is impossible and falling apart quietly is the only honest thing left to do. Allow yourself grace to be in the moment because one thing is for sure, the moment will pass.

"It might get better, or it might not: either way, you will find the strength to get back on the Adulting highway."

It is okay to be overwhelmed.