“Blood is thicker than water.”
Growing up, this quote was a reminder that family was everything and friends could never replace what blood relations offer. Ironically, this was only half of the quote, as time has had its interpretation change. The fuller quote, which can be traced back to around the 12th century in Germany, provides context that changes everything:
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
This fuller and original saying flips the common understanding on its head. Its focus is not on familial blood but on the bonds we build through shared experiences. It speaks to the kind of bonds that find us unexpectedly in life and connect us to people with whom we share no biological relation. The “blood of the covenant” refers to blood oaths, but more broadly, it symbolises the deep connections we make with others that create family beyond genetics.
22nd January 2023. The Manchester sky was dull, the air heavy with a melancholy that seemed to mourn alongside me. It was the perfect weather to match my mood: sad and scared in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. That day, I was returning home after nearly two years in the UK, where I had been pursuing my Master’s degree. I had imagined this moment many times before, yet when it arrived, I was unprepared. I was sad about returning to the one place where I felt least safe. The home that had never felt quite like home. However, my devastation wasn’t just about that; it was about a new kind of loss I was about to experience. It was about leaving behind the family I had found during my time in London.
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Growing up, I never felt the need to make friends because I had my older sisters. They were everything to me, and to this date, one of the closest circles in my life. Despite being four very different people, we have managed to push our relationship beyond our biological relationship to an unconditional friendship. Many times, we joke about some ritual we once did as part of a game when we were kids. It was some playful oath we took to bond, and since all this time later, we are thick as thieves, that innocent ritual we did must have worked. The four of us couldn't be any more different, but the bonds we have would make one think we have the same personality.
Having such a friendship with family, I didn't think I needed anyone else. Additionally, most of my experience during my formative years was bullying. I was a very dark-skinned little girl, and colourism was and still is very much alive within my context. Playing with other kids often meant dealing with slurs about the colour of my skin or being mocked for my quirky character. I would go out to play with kids and wind up in a corner somewhere, crying. Being the strategic thinker that I am, I made the smart move to focus on friendship with my older sisters instead of trying to convince the world I was worthy of them.
The downside of this strategy was growing emotional isolation. I became very isolated among my peers. I made no real effort to forge friendships outside my family. I didn’t need them; I had my sisters to love me and be in my corner no matter what. They were an unconditionally loyal and loving army. At the same time, my experience with bullying and violence made me emotionally unavailable to new friendships. I didn't want to get hurt, so I avoided things that could hurt me and rarely opened up. Fighting with my older sisters was hard, as it felt like a threat to the only social capital I had. As a result, I avoided confrontation, even to my detriment at times. This fear of conflict spilt over to my everyday interactions, making it even harder to form meaningful bonds.
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Moving to London was a gift, but I had no idea just how much of a gift it would be. In a foreign land far from everything I knew, I found myself and my world. As fate would have it, I met people who turned my world into something otherworldly, friends both old and new. They were people I could be most vulnerable with. They effortlessly brought out the version of me I had been striving to become. A version of me that was hopeful and explored joy while allowing herself to connect with the world around her. It is a version of myself I deeply yearn for because she is free from despair and embraces joy. It felt different realising I was being seen and heard. I mattered to these strangers who had just crossed paths with me, just as they mattered to me. At the same time,...