Alaine gently pushed the door open, and it softly clicked shut behind her. The quiet that ensued seemed more overwhelming than the noise she had just exited—almost deafening.
She dropped her bag on the chair and sat on the edge of her bed, staring into space.
It didn’t make sense.
Nothing was wrong… at least not in a way she could explain. Her life looked fine on the outside. People laughed with her, called her strong, and some even said she was lucky.
So why did everything feel so heavy?
She exhaled sharply, rubbing her hands together as if trying to shake off something she couldn’t see.
“Why do I feel like this?” she whispered.
Her voice sounded unfamiliar in the quiet room.
For a moment, she thought about texting someone.
Anyone… just to avoid being alone with her thoughts.
But what would she even say?
Hi… I feel empty for no reason.
She let out a small, almost bitter laugh and leaned back, staring at the ceiling.
“Maybe I’m just overthinking,” she said—but this time, it didn’t sound convincing.
Not even to her.
Just a few hours earlier, everything had looked normal.
Laughter. Music. Conversations overlapping in a warm, noisy blur.
“Alaine, you’re so quiet today,” one of her friends had said, nudging her lightly. “What’s going on?”
“I’m fine,” she replied quickly, forcing a smile.
“Tired?”
“Tired of what?” someone teased. “You don’t even do much.”
They all laughed.
So she laughed too.
Because that’s what you do when you don’t know how to explain what you’re feeling.
You smile.
You nod.
You act fine.
Even when something inside you feels… off.
***
Now, in the silence of her room, there was no one to perform for.
No laughter to hide behind.
Just her.
And the thoughts she had been avoiding.
Alaine sat up slowly, her eyes drifting around the room. Everything looked familiar, but nothing felt comforting.
Something was missing—but she couldn’t name it.
Not sadness nor pain… just emptiness.
She pulled her knees closer to her chest and stared at the floor.
Maybe she just needed sleep.
Maybe she was thinking too much.
Maybe this would pass.
But deep down, she knew this feeling wasn’t new.
It had been growing quietly.
Ignored. Dismissed. Covered with smiles.
Until now.
***
Her voice came out softer than she expected.
“God… are You even listening?”
The words surprised her.
She hadn’t planned to say them.
Silence followed.
No answer.
No sign.
Just stillness.
***
Alaine shook her head slightly with a crooked half smile, almost embarrassed.
“I don’t even know why I said that,” she whispered.
But she didn’t take the words back.
Instead, she lay back on her bed, staring at a fixed spot on the ceiling.
Her thoughts were still there.
Her questions were still unanswered.
But something—small, unnoticeable—had shifted.
And for the first time in a long time, she didn’t immediately try to escape the question forming in her mind:
What if the life I’m trying so hard to control… isn’t working?
***
She closed her eyes slowly.
Not at peace.
Not solved.
But no longer ignoring it either.